PLOT TWIST! : On Thriving in the Woods

Good (late) morning you gorgeous theo-types, ragamuffins, miserable sinners, and righteous saints! This will mark my very first entry into the world of The BLOG! I feel as if I am talking about some sick cult full of white, pretentious hipsters when I mention "The Blog." Also...I feel like I am talking about a horror film akin to The Blob...which is like...a real movie.

So, a few things about me being a Lutheran vicar who serves at a two-point parish which is ALSO a detached ELCA internship site:

1. It's hard.

2. It's Lutheran (sometimes)

3. Also a kitty. He's a thing. His name is Rabbi.

When I was preparing to leave my seminary, The Lutheran Theological Seminary at Philadelphia (also known as Lutheran: The Philadelphia Seminary, apparently. I know, it's weird.), for my year-long vicariate (fancy churchy word for "a seminarian's internship year") in Geneva and Potter (Penn Yan), NY, I was told that there were no peers for me to connect with in either congregation.

Then, I was told that the best the parish could do for housing was a little remote double-wide trailer tucked back in the woods. Right...put the EXTROVERT in the woods...

So, I was concerned, to say the least...and I began to do something I do quite well...I began to whine. And, I made the mistake of whining in front of my home parish pastor. He looked at me and said, "Joe, stop whining about it! Look at how lucky you are, man! You've got it made! Your own quiet place to come home to at the end of a long day that is being PAID FOR by other people? This is the LAST time you will have this opportunity in your life!"

About a month before I moved into Ye Olde Double-Wide, I received an email from my supervising pastor. His words to me at the end of his email read: "You deserve to THRIVE while on this internship!" THRIVE, he said. Thrive, huh? Well, I took those words to heart.

JUMP CUT

6 Months Later

PLOT TWIST!

I am not, in fact, thriving. I have just had a very pleasant lunch with the local Roman Catholic seminarian at the coffee shoppe where I hold office hours on Fridays, Opus Espresso and Wine Bar. This delightful chap proceeds to tell me that he did NOT thrive while on internship for the first 6 months. It wasn't until he started getting better at "self-care" (that most unholy of seminary buzz-phrases), that he really started to THRIVE. I listened to what he said. And I took it to heart.

I looked at my life:

I am an extrovert, living in the woods and serving two dying (literally) congregations, with few friends to spend time with. I am away from my dear fiancée (her name is Cari. She is the equivalent of every kickass film/literary heroine PLUS unicorn magic! More on her later), who is still in Ye Olde City of Brotherly Love working on finishing up her degree. Thanks be to God, I have one peer in the Geneva area, but he is very busy AND he is a parishioner. While I am tremendously grateful for his friendship, there are certain "boundaries" (yes, another unholy buzzword) which must be maintained, given the fact that I am, currently, his sole pastoral leader. My dear parental units live an hour away from Ye Olde Double Wide, and between two congregations, I simply don't have the time to drive out to see them as often as I would like.

And then...there are the funerals...

As of today, I am entering the 8th month of my vicariate and I have done 7 funerals in 6 months. Now, mind you, these TINY congregations can't afford this kind of thing, ya know...death after death after death. Funerals, while a necessary ministry (and I believe, one of the MOST important), can be DRAINING as hell!

Now...where does self-care fit into the midst of all of this? Honestly...I'm not sure. This is my struggle. My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to find ways of practicing self-care while serving my vicariate. So, as I set off on my mission, I hit a brick wall. This brick wall came in the form of a gentle, delightful Episcopal priest. This priest had been assigned to serve two struggling Lutheran congregations, much like myself. Now, you are asking: an Episcopalian pastoring a Lutheran parish?? What next!? But, we wily Lutherans are in "Full Communion" with the refined Anglican Communion of which the Episcopal Church is a part. This priest had shown up to gatherings of Lutheran pastors, who twice a month devour the Scriptures with the hunger of theological, black-winged vultures! She did not say much, but when she did, everyone listened.

You know those people, right? Those people who just make you SICK to your stomach with JOY because of how intensely profound and wise they are...ALWAYS?

I broke into a conversation with this gentle priest at a Pre-Lenten retreat for Lutheran, Episcopal, and Methodist clergy. This turned out to be dangerous. I mentioned to the priest the fact that I was seeking out ways to THRIVE whilst serving my vicariate. I didn't feel like I was thriving and this was problematic.

Her response?

"Josiah, have you ever thought that maybe God doesn't want you to thrive this year? Maybe this is one of those 'valley' experiences, you know? Maybe God is calling you into the 'wilderness' for good reason."

For GOOD REASON!? WHAT!!??

Well, now that I have given it some thought, some prayer, some frozen yogurt, and some Netflix binge-watching (how does one POSSIBLY resist House of Cards??), I realize that this gentle and delightful priest may have been right.

We are always seeking out ways to pit Thriving AGAINST Surviving. We say things like, "We are not MADE to JUST survive. We are made to thrive!" So, NOT thriving is bad....right? Right?? Anyone?? BUELLER??

Well, it turns out that this vicariate in the woods has forced me to recognize something very important: I actually take the Christian Scriptures seriously! Go figure, right?

What about the Teacher in Ecclesiastes? "There is a season for everything under the Sun."

What about the Psalmist? "Even though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I will fear no evil for You are with me."

Could it be that the Teacher AND the Psalmist (scholars believe them to be different people) were actually being called by God INTO the wilderness? INTO the valley?

I recently did a funeral in which the husband of the deceased kept repeating over and over again, "I have lost my beautiful wife."

Heartbreaking.

But, in the midst of his heartbreak, this widower REWROTE the Twenty-third Psalm:

"Even though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I will fear no evil, for You are a Mean, Old Bastard!"

IS your God a Mean, Old Bastard? At least...sometimes? It feels like it sometimes, doesn't it?

Christians are prone to spout some good bullsh*t, like, "God ALLOWS us to go through Valleys. God DOESN'T intentionally place us in the wilderness aka Ye Olde Double Wide in the Woods."

But...what if God DOES, in fact, do THIS sometimes? How does the extroverted theatre-geek who is missing his dear fiancée RESPOND to this potential reality?

I contend that Samuel Beckett's atheist absurdist existentialist play, Waiting for Godot, is the BEST companion for those of you who are living in your OWN version of Ye Olde Double Wide in the Woods. Maybe not thriving. Maybe just barely getting by. Talk about the Wilderness! Just remember, as Vladimir and Estragon were stuck in the middle-of-nowhere and waiting for deliverance, Jesus our Christ has done the same.

The response?

Pray.

Thomas Merton says in New Seeds of Contemplation that when we enter the wilderness to pray, we NEVER go alone. We carry the ENTIRETY of God's children with us.

As my Lutheran Confessions professor once said to me, "You wanna improve your prayer life? Get cancer." Morbid, no? He had lost his first wife to a grueling slog through cancer.

No, this does NOT sound preferable. No, this does not sound good or right. This sounds like, pardon my French, sh*t on the bottom. Disease, depression, financial brokenness, anxiety, loneliness, etc.

Does God CALL us into these kinds of Wildernesses??

I don't know, honestly. Sorry if I have potentially wasted your time. But, if you find that you are NOT thriving and if you find that you are alone and scared, it's okay to pray to that Mean, Old Bastard. For that Mean, Old Bastard IS with you. And you may not thrive, but you are not alone, and this too shall pass.

Now...talk amongst yourselves...because, let's be honest, we all know you will.

Soli Deo Gloria,

Vicar Josiah and Rabbi Kitteh